As we speed through the pumpkin latte swirl that is October, it seems as if everyone is talking about the midterm elections.
Everywhere I go, I hear this cheery mantra: “I don’t care how you vote, just make sure you vote in the midterm elections because voting is a sacred privilege that every American should exercise.”

Wow. That’s so high-minded, so magnanimous, so grown-up.

Speaking as probably the only Southern woman in her very early 60s who loves to watch “Big Mouth” (ask your grandchildren) it should come as no surprise I don’t feel that way.

No one has ever accused me of being great at adulting.

But, in the spirit of reaching across the aisle, may I please offer anyone who intends to vote Republican in the midterm elections on Nov. 6, a ride to the polls? Really, it’s no problem at all. Think of me as your very own free Uber. Odds are, I’ll even offer you the leftover candy corn from the week before. I love it when Uber drivers offer you bottled water or wintergreen Lifesavers (the North) or a mini Moon Pie and a crocheted cross bookmark (the South). It’s the little things.
FYI, the polls are open from 6:30 a.m. until 7:30 p.m. in my red state so I don’t think we need to rush. Let’s more, like, saunter. Sauntering is so underrated, right? It’s like the fine art of moseying has practically disappeared. So, let’s meander through our day together, what say?

Before we vote, we’ll need to stop off at the DMV to get some paperwork validated before I can get my car inspected. Let me just pull a ticket so we can get in line. Hmmm. Let’s see. Number 335. Good news! They’re already at 7.

Next, because it’s the first Tuesday of the month, we should stop off and visit Aunt Verlie at the Gardens of Despair Nursing Home. This may take a while because she’s been in a talky mood lately.

How talky you ask? Think Susan Collins levels of talky. Face it: You don’t want Aunt Verlie OR Susan Collins doing the toast at your wedding.

Susan Collins: “I first met Glenn and Sarah at a campaign stop at the International House of Pancakes on Route 34 near Bangor. It was a balmy Maine day, the kind of Indian Summer weather that puts a spring in your step and…wait. It may have been Route 55. Oh, what’s that Glenn? It was Route 34. Sarah? You think it was 55? Thanks, Glenn. Your manly voice just sounds more truthful to me. Oh, now, settle down, gals! I’m still one of y’all! Lookit all these Bed, Bath & Beyond coupons in my purse!”

Oops, I’m sorry. I had no idea Verlie would demand to learn how to use Facebook, Instagram AND Snapchat today! I blame Siri, who has inexplicably led us down a dirt road in the country instead of the bustling government center where you usually vote. Ack. Foreigners, amiright?


— Wilmington, North Carolina’s Celia Rivenbark is a NYT-bestselling author and columnist. Visit www.celiarivenbark.com.