“Honey, I need your help,” I shouted into the phone at my husband.
“I CAN’T HEAR YOU,” he shouted back. “Someone’s car alarm is going off in the background.”
“THAT’S WHY I’M CALLING YOU,” I wailed. “It’s my car alarm! I can’t get it to turn off!”
The car had been honking for 10 minutes and I was pretty sure if I didn’t figure out how to stop it soon, either a) the police were going to show up and arrest me for trying to break into my own car, b) the scary neighbors with the big gun collection were going to come out and shoot me for making so much noise or, c) the police would show up, reward my neighbors for shooting me, and then arrest me for trying to break into my own car.
In any scenario, I was either dead or in jail. Not a great group of options.
The reason I could not figure out how to turn the darn thing off was that I had no idea how I had turned it on in the first place. I know it had something to do with trying to open the doors from the inside while they were locked and the car was turned off. However, I’m not sure how or why a car thief would be trying to steal a car from the inside out. I suppose it’s possible the car manufacturers wanted to ensure that the car was protected in the event that a car thief dropped in through the sunroof, and then changed his mind about stealing the car and decided to leave through the driver’s side door. Clearly though, when they decided to make the car safe from stupid car thieves, they did not take stupid car owners into account.
Since I was panicking, I thought the thing that made the most sense was to hit the panic button on my key.
That did nothing.
Then I turned the car on and off.
Then I turned the car on and off and locked and unlocked the doors.
Big, fat nothing.
Then I got out of the car, cursed at it, kicked the tires, and threw a big hairy fit.
Finally, I got back in the car, turned it back on, locked the doors, and hit the panic button. The alarm stopped.
I was so stunned by the sudden silence that I looked around to see if I had indeed been shot by my neighbors and was now actually dead.
“I got it to stop,” I told my husband when I called him back.
“What did you do?”
“I did a combination kick-curse-hairy fit move followed by a start-lock-panic
“I’ll have to remember that for next time,” he commented.
As I hung up, I suddenly realized I heard the phone ringing in the house. Convinced it was the police calling to confirm that a stupid car thief had attempted to bungee jump through my sunroof and jack my car, I charged into the house without thinking …
… And set off the house alarm.
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